The “Mar-a-Lago” incident did a lot to me personally. There it was, in big letters across the news, the stuff I used to consume and create: TS/SCI material and all its friends. It felt like old friends had appeared and set me free from my captivity. For a while, I could talk about my past, a little. The world was shown what I had been and was carrying with me…so I thought. The following days were brutal. Explaining the significance of the incident and what all those acronyms meant, forced me to return to my past and focus on how to explain my shadowed history. People reacted with either unbelief or misunderstanding.
For the first time in my life, I personally reached the realization that things I experienced during my two enlistments in the US Army and in service to the various 3-letter agencies in the US arsenal, were quite rare. Additionally, they were classified beyond classifications. People didn’t and couldn’t know. People shouldn’t know.
I’m not sure how to tell my story. Without these key elements of the roots of my PTSD, the real struggle cannot be articulated. However, I am positively going to finish this work. Whether it is made public or not, as is with any book will depend on other people’s willingness to make it happen. I just have to involve the FBI’s resources to get approval.
The frustration is undeniable but will be overcome. I have continued to compose my past, as brutal as it is to me, but in a hyper-secure environment. Everything is quadruplely encrypted to protect the US, its peoples, and my loved ones.
In confronting my shadows, I have found demons inside. I’ve met the man I didn’t think was there and I am aghast that he is me. My counselor took me to a dark place and pulled me back. I am still seeing the echoes of my repressed 45-seconds burned into the back of my eyelids. I am glad I can, at long last, see the evil inside. Many idiosyncrasies and behaviors are now understandable. Why “I seek to defend, violently, if warranted, those without a voice, or the week underdog,” makes sense to me know.
I grew up being the silent invisible child in the corner. I avoided brutal punishment by not getting caught and staying out of the way. Those 45-seconds in the Military, and the units of people that were involved is when I slammed my boot down and said, “No! Not on my watch!” and committed myself to defend the colleagues in my unit. Those 45-seconds are the beginning of my downfall even as I rose to prominence.
The road to having rights to publish these 45-seconds, along with other milestones will likely be bumpy and never ending. But, it is a road I must travel. There will be passengers along the way. But, this is something which I must do.
Jay C. “Jazzy J” Theriot